Escort News That Has Not Happened

London Escort World News
– Straight from the Agency Caprice news desk

Escortmon Go

It’s the new app that’s sweeping London – Escortmon Go. Free to download though without the $5 upgrade all Escortmon girls are fully clothed. Search throughout London for virtual Escortmon girls, take snaps and upload them to social bullshit media an share with your friends. Thousands of Elite Escortmons, Busty, Blondes and Cheap. Collect bullshit virtual coins to unlock their clothing!

Hours of fun for the whole family with no stain causing odours.

 

The Escort Olympics

Plans are not underway to create the world’s first Escort Olympics. Not to be held in London, events would not include the pole vault, handball, diving, jumping, thigh scraping and marathon sex sessions lasting 26 hours that would involve policemen, politicians and members from the mining community.

 

Did You Know?

In Braille, the nipples spell the letter C.

Did You Know?

In some cultures throughout the world, youthful female breasts are considered to be extremely attractive.

 

In L.A., the new eating craze is kale stuffed with kale root. In London, the Agency Caprice girls will have none of that nonsense. They still prefer slivers of yellowtail encrusted with quail egg seed and dipped in a freshly squeezed salt water sauce that is at least three years old. Washed down with a Guinness.

 

What hobbies do the escorts at Caprice enjoy?
Mostly investing, money management, offshore finance, commodities, international banking and strip poker.

 

We asked Adelly why her professional magic act always involved making chocolate bars disappear. “Oh, I don’t do that anymore,” she said, smiling. “But I still have a few Twix up my sleeve.”

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The Scoties : The Best London Escort Awards Show

Last night at the prestigious Hotel La Swank in London’s West End, Agency Caprice held its bi annual, semi weekly, tri monthly awards show, “The Scorties,” hosted this year by Bradley Wiggins and keyboardist Rick Wakeman.

Presenting the awards were a several escort business celebrities – Detective Inspector Peter Wallace, Inland Revenue lead investigator Ruth Shrillingsworth, and Banking Fraud investigator Sidney Goldberg.

 

First up, one of the most hotly contested categories, Best London Escort Boobs

Emergency enhancement operations were taking place late into the early hours as girls frantically made last minute preparations to claim the Scortie. What did the judges prefer, natural or enhanced? A smaller B or a larger D? Lightly tattooed with a profound Chinese expression or void of all artwork, just as nature intended? The room hushed, and DI Wallace opened the envelope. It was Aysel! Aysel’s boobs had won! Accompanying them to the stage to collect the award was Aysel, who proudly walked behind her boobs, proud as punch and smiling happily.

The left boob thanked the right for “always being there for me” and the right thanked the left for her “continued support”.

 

Next up was Best London Escort Bum. Wiggins told the crowd that the Caprice girls’ dedication to the awards show meant that none of them had had anal sexy time for at least ONE FULL HOUR before the show started. A round of applause for their effort. A short video came onto the giant overhead screen of all of the nominee’s asses. More applause and cheering. Wakeman said that he had personally felt each ass to determine firmness and overall appeal. He went on to explain that he needed at least twenty squeezes per ass cheek to make his decision, to fits of laughter from the crowd. Inland Revenue Ruth read aloud the nominations:

 

And the winner of the Scortie was Adelly!!

 

Adelly ran onto the stage, her prewritten acceptance speech held by her clenched buttocks, and thanked everyone who over the years had pounded her rear to keep it as tight as it is now. Wakemen said he didn’t think it worked like that, and that surely the opposite was true  – and his cheeky observation was rewarded with even more laughter.

 

The next award was to be for the Best Open Minded London Escort. Adelly had hardly sat back down when she was back up on her feet to take her second award of the night!  Clearly her bum was an absolute crowd pleaser. She thanked her family and especially her father for his guidance over the years, and the room fell silent for a moment.

 

Best Elite London Escort – a few boos from some of the cheap London escorts rang out, no doubt envious that they could not be nominated for this high priced escort category.

The elite girls  sat on a table all by themselves, ordering expensive cocktails and showing off their designer jewelry bought for them by their loveless clients to the £200 and below girls. “Spend an extra hour in the gym,” they teased. “And get some work done on that face of yours.” Nobody laughed at that.

 

Fraud investigator Sidney Goldberg opened the envelope and, of course, there could only be one winner and she was the hot favourite going in – it was Lera! Lera had won! Sadly, the elite London escort winner was out on a booking and best boob runner up Elly stepped up to the stage to accept the Scortie on her behalf.

 

 

Best Deep Throat London Escort was the next category, and the DT girls huddled together, giggling and laughing with excitement. One girl pulled a bottle of Champagne out of her mouth and placed it in the middle of the table, ready to celebrate. DI Wallace told a quick story about one of the Caprice girls he arrested until he realized that she was able to deep throat. He spent the entire night in her cell with her before releasing her the next morning. “And the winner is….” Wallace opened the envelope. “is Alice!!”

 

The gorgeous Alice ran onstage and then dropped to her knees to make a quick thank you speech. Wallace stood as close to her as he dare.

 

More reporting coming soon.

Frequently Asked Questions

Where do London escorts like to be kissed?

Start lovingly on her purse and then move SLOWLY to her hand bag.

 

What happens if I fall in love with a Caprice escort?

There is a common two step process to ensure a happy long term relationship with one our London escorts.

1.  Sell your house in a cash only sale

2.  Complete at least five successful bank robberies

 

I’m not very good at undoing bras. They scare the hell out of me. Any tips?

A good question, and a very common problem. We recommend one of the following:

On an outside date, gently rub her back up and down a tree while you are kissing her. Eventually the rough bark with tear through the bra material.

If at a hotel, call room service to bring up a pair of wire cutters for you, or, alternatively, if you are in a posh hotel, ask the concierge to undo the bra for you.

If none of these solutions fit your situation, simply ask the escort to undo it for you.

 

I get nervous. I REALLY get nervous. And too much alcohol can affect my little fella. Any tips?

The best way to handle this situation is to make your escort nervous too. If she is scared of heights, take her up the Shard or sit with her, casually dangling your feet over the edge a high window ledge. Is she scared of spiders? Show her your pet tarantula, Sam, who always travels with you. When you call, ask the Agency Caprice receptionist that you’d like to book a girl with a phobia, and that you’d liek to cruelly exploit that phobia.

 

My wife and I want to try a threesome. Any tips?

If you are having a threesome with one of our beautiful girls, we always recommend securing your wife in a downstairs room for safety so that you can enjoy your escort with out any annoying interruptions, snarky comments, or criticisms from your wife. Once you are drained of pleasure and your London escort has left, run a quick bath, pour yourself a celebratory brandy and watch Die Hard again. Later, release your wife and tell her all about it.

 

I work on a submarine. Can I please make a booking?

Here at Agency Caprice we are big fans of all underwater service men. So much so that we have appointed a special reservations agent to make sure your sub-aqua frolics are both discrete and pleasurable. A man who knows all of the girls inside and out, and which girls LOVE getting locked up with 200 or so sweaty men on a three month voyage off the Russian coast. His name is Vice Admiral Henderson-Smythe.

 

I work in Top Shop and can’t afford any of your girls, but I was wondering if I could..

Sorry to interrupt, but NO!

 

I volunteer at London Zoo and need help mucking out the giraffe enclosure.

We frequently send our sexy London girls up to help change the hippo water and do minor repairs to some of the primate enclosures, so let me ask to see if they would want to help clean up the giraffe.

 

They said no.

 

Hello. It’s me again. Would they come up and do a strip tease and sexy veterinarian role play with some of the grumpy older chimpanzees? It would make their day.

 Yes. Of course they would.

 

Thanks.

You’re welcome.

 

Any more questions?